do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
