that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
