Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
