Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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