Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
