I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
