dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
