Already got asked if we're dating
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
