How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
