like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
