He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
