Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
