So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
