return my video game
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The Olympian is in my bed
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
