Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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