he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
