i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
