I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
