Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
