I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
