How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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