Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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