I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
