Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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