Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
