She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
