i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Randomize
