If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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