nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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