I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
