Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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