Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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