I can text with my tongue
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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