God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
