I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
