I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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