I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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