i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
