you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
