she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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