Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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