So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
