my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
