Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
