Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize
