there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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