i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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