I'm lost and stupid without you.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I intend to get homeless drunk
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
