Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
