There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
