I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize