I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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