What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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