I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
