I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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