I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
