he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
