After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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