her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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